Fanfiction Trouble
by Elizabeth Tudor
Summary: When badly written Mary Sue stories invade Grimmauld Place, will canon survive the encounter? Read if only to imagine their faces! ON HIATUS
1. The Book

_**A/N: **Oh no, the main male characters have no idea what they're in for! Will they be overcome by the horrible Sue stories or will they survive bad writing and OOCs? Only time will tell..._

It all started with three fateful words…

"What is _this_?" Remus Lupin asked in disgust, his nose wrinkled at the lurid book. It was bright pink, trimmed with lace, and covered in sparkly stickers. Sirius glanced over at it.

"No idea. Whatever it is, get rid of it." But Lupin, intrigued now, flipped open the cover and glanced at the table of contents.

"Hey! Look at this!"

Harry wandered over to take a look.

"Blimey, we're all here! 'Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Fred and George Weasley, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Draco Malfoy, Severus Snape…' What is this thing?"

"Dunno," Lupin muttered, checking the spine of the book. "It says, 'Mary Sue Stories.' What's a Mary Sue?"

"Only one way to find out," Ron replied, joining the small cluster and staring in horrified fascination at the pink book. "We each read ours. Harry, looks like you're up first." And indeed he was. The table of contents read:

Harry Potter

Ron Weasley

Fred and George Weasley

Oliver Wood

Neville Longbottom

Sirius Black

Remus Lupin

Draco Malfoy

Lucius Malfoy

Severus Snape

The last three were the only ones not present. The kitchen of number twelve, Grimmauld Place fell silent as Harry gingerly accepted the book, flipped to the first story, and began to read.


	2. Harry Sue

_**A/N: **So begins the reading... Just so you know, there will be a mini-story side plot at the bottom that will come into play later in the story. **Bold italics** indicates the Mary Sue story. And may I just comment... My God. I could feel my brain shrivel up and turn into mush as I wrote this horrible Sue. Ah well. Read, Review, and Enjoy!_

_**Note:** I'm afraid I'm clean out of ideas for the Weasley twins and Lucius Malfoy. Anyone know of any over-stereotyped Mary Sues for them that I could borrow and return, lightly flamed and sporked?_

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**_The opening feast started as usual,_** Harry read reluctantly, _**but halfway thro**_… he stopped, glancing at the page in confusion. "'Thro?' Is that supposed to be 'through?'"

"Must be," Ron answered. "Keep reading."

…_**halfway thro the doors bust, **_Harry visibly scowled,_** open and a shadowy figure glides in. Everyone was nervous cos of Voldemort but Dumbeldore said 'its ok shes a foreign x-change student here from america and she'll be sorted.' So teh…**_"'Teh?'" Harry asked, bewildered. "What the…?"

"Just keep reading, and don't stop, you'll be done faster that way," Lupin advised him.

…_**teh gurl walked up and the sorting hat got put on her and teh hat screamed Griffindoor! And the girl walked past teh Slitherinn and Huffelpuf and Ravinclawr tablez to Griffindoor cheering 4 her and set down next to harry. harry said'wow your pretty' and she wuz, she had gorgeous waste-length blond hair flowing like a river of sunlight on gold and skin as fair as porcelien with a grate gold tan and pretty iceblue eyes like chips of artic ice…**_ Harry blinked. "If that wasn't redundant, I don't know what is."** …**_**like chips of artic ice that kinda reminded him of somethin and a grate figger, skinny but not too skinny with awsum cleevage and he couldn't stop staaring at her coz her clothes were so fab, she wore a tite brite pink lo-cut shirt and black mini-skirt and awesum red hi-heel shoes. Then Dumbly**__… _This time it was Remus's turn for a double take. _**…Then Dumbly said 'harry, Cassiopeia i need 2 tawk to you' coz Cassiopeia wuz her name 'but you can call me Cassy she told harry and he nodded so they went to talk to Dumbly. 'Harry shes Sirius daughter' he told Harry**_. Sirius's jaw dropped in horror._** 'she wuz raised in america and shes a animagus and really powerfull wizard who mite kill Volde.' Harry nodded, that wuz y her gorgus blue eyes and luvly black hair look familiar. **_Harry stared at the page in confusion. "Didn't it just say that she had _blond_ hair?"

"Maybe a Mary Sue is a Metamorphmagus Veela," Remus suggested.

"Can't be," Sirius replied grumpily, "if she's supposed to be my daughter."

**_Teh next day cassy prooved she wuz awesum in potions and all the magic classes even better and smarter and got better grades then hermione who wuz jealous of her and she was prettier than cho or ginny and harry liked her better soon they were dating._**

"WHAT?!?!?!" Hermione screamed. She, Ginny, Luna, and Tonks had just come in from their day out shopping, and all four were looking shocked, horrified, angry, or, in Luna's case, mildly curious.

"Don't worry," Neville said quickly. "It's just a stupid book we found, we were reading it to try and figure out what a Mary Sue is, of course we all think you guys are better than some stupid character." Slightly mollified, the girls sat down.

**_Her animagis was awesum it was a big blak wulf wit blu eyes and speshul powerz she could fly and read mindz and control peeple. Dumbly had ta trane her to use her pwerz so she did'nt hrt some one. Also it turned out that shed ben living wit bad peeple who hert her an mad her werk asa servant but she didn't care coz she was at Hogwarts now with harry. Tejh year went buy and she wuz awesum at quidich and every1 luvved her even snape. Than death eater dudes attacked and no 1 wuz hert but they captuered cassy coz she wuz so pwerfull they wanted to make her tern bad or if she would'nt ten kil her._** "Wow," Harry said sarcastically. "Way to keep the story moving smoothly." 

_**But she refused of course so volde said 'i'l hav to kil u and he hert her but she new harry was coming 4 her and he wuz he bust in and tryd to help her but they caut him 2, and it got cassy so mad she broke teh chanes anmd fought of the deatheaters til al wer gone but volde and she starred at him and he staared at her and he screemed nd vanished in a puf off smoke and all teh peeple under teh curses came back but harry wuz hert. **_Harry glared at the page. "This is ridiculous. Do I really have to read it?"

"Yes," said Ron, grinning. Harry was about to argue, but then he remembered that Ron's story was next.

_**Cassy cried 'no harry u cant die i luv u' and cried awesummly harry wuz alrite. Dumbly said 'yor teers hav heeled him hes alrite and volde's gone so everytings good!' and everywun celabrated. That nite in grimold plase… **_everyone started and stared around, as if expecting to see the terror herself. _**…harry and Cassiopeia had…fun she had teh handcuffs and the whipped cream and straw berries and they went up too teh bed room and… **_Harry's eyes widened, and his face, which had been flushed throughout the entire reading, went white. "I don't think I really want to read this," he muttered, scanning it. "Good lord… I didn't know that was even possible… it just keeps going on and on!" Finally, about twenty pages later, he finally found a section that was reasonably safe.

_**…and harry lie on teh bed exhausted and jkissed her nd said 'cassy i luv u' nd she huged him and said 'i luv u 2,' nd they livd hapily ever and had to gurls nd a boy and teh end.**_

Remus blinked. "Well, that was abrupt," he commented. The others were suffering rather more adverse effects. Harry looked like he was about to be sick, Ron wasn't sure whether to crack up or barf, the twins _were_ cracking up, Hermione looked stunned, Ginny appeared to be hopping mad, Sirius was disgusted, Oliver Wood looked decidedly uncomfortable, Tonks was twitching, and Neville, a look of growing horror on his face, was comprehending what the 'fun' was. Luna alone seemed unfazed.

"It says," she announced, taking the book from Harry, "that Ron Weasley is next. Ronald, I believe that's you?" Ron shut his mouth, which had been hanging open, with a snap. He looked like a deer caught in the headlights, and seemed to consider running for it. The twins weren't about to let him off that easily though. Grinning evilly, they sat down on either side of him, plonked the book heavily into his lap, and opened it to the second story. Realizing it was pointless, Ron gulped, picked up the pink abomination, and began to read.

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Somewhere, in a universe (or galaxy, take your pick) far, far away, a group of Sue-nese fangirls realized that their beloved book of Sue stories, carefully bound with pink ribbons and decorated with Lisa Frank stickers, the fruit of many hours' long writing, was missing…


	3. Run, Ron!

_**A/N:** This one took longer than it should have. I was __out of inspiration for Ron's story, which is why it's so short and so much like Harry's. I do like Ron, and I sympathize with him because I know how it feels to be overshadowed by your big brothers, but other than that, he's not one of my favorite characters. Sorry to all you Ron fans, but, to each their own. I've got plenty more ideas for all the rest of the stories, so hopefully updates will come a bit more frequently. Read, Review, and, as alway, Enjoy!_

_**Later:** Oops, sorry! People told me the l33+ 5P34k was getting hard to read, so I toned it down a bit. Hopefully it makes a bit more sense now. I kept the letters and numbers, like B, 1, and R though, just because they were too much fun. If it's still too hard to read, try saying it aloud. Or let me know, and I'll tone it down even more. Much to my chagrin, I'm proficient in l33+._

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Ron's face bore a look of utmost disgust. This book struck him as very Umbridge-ish, and if it hadn't been for the twin on either side of him, letting him know he was not about to get out of reading, he would have tossed the thing into the fire. Oh well. The sooner he began, the sooner he was done. Voice dripping disdain, he began reading.

**_Hi i'm Harry potter's twin sister_**,… Harry started, staring at the book as if he expected it to attack. **_…Vanessa who got separated from him at birth 2 protect me from voldy and grew up in australa. After many adventers (2 many 2 list here) i fond out i have a brother nd went to Hogwarts insted. Al teh guyz luvved me imediatly of coarse but i liked ron best and he luvved me…_** Ron got no farther. Everyone else was cracking up. He looked faintly annoyed. "I'm just reading this drivel, I'm not the one writing it," he grumbled, going back to reading. **_…he luvved me. nd no wonder, i wuz gorus... gorgeus... well, pretty, tall, thin, slender, curves in al the write places, raven blue black hair, pail pretty white skin, good butt and bust and full lipz and cute nose and my best featurs R my eyez, emereld green and big nd almund shaped nd U could feel them starring in2 ur sole i wuz told i looked lik my mom lilly but wit my dads hair._** There was an awkward silence after this ridiculous description. Sirius looked rather put out. Ron glanced ahead. "She's doing nothing but describing her _clothes_," he groaned, disgust evident in his voice. "and she keeps going on about her eyes. Can I skip it?" Not even Fred or George objected. He rifled through the pages, searching for a finish to the ridiculous descriptions. Eight pages later, they finally came to an end.

**_Any way ron wuz kinda cute in a puppy way…_** Ron scowled heavily. **_…hiz freckels wer cute and i liked him. hermione objekted of coarse but evry1 could C I wuz so much better nd ron likked me better._** Hermione's face was bright pink, and she looked like she wanted nothing so much as to rip the book to pieces. Sirius, Ginny, and Remus immediately set to calming her down, but she was still fingering her wand menacingly when Ron resumed reading.

**_but R luv mite not last…_** Ron sighed with relief. **_…cuz when we met Dumbledor telled me it was nt my brother teh prophesy wuz reffering 2 it wuz me it shoulda ben she not he in teh prophesy nd id hafta kil vodemart but i did nt tel any1 i let them B happy cos evry1 luvved me nd theyd B sad if i died only 1 who did nt luv me wuz hermy but no 1 cares bout her._** It took another few minutes to calm Hermione down. **_nd so teh scool year preseeded as usual i joined teh quiditch teem and was brilliant we 1 teh cup nd beet slitherinn. harry luvved having his sister bak we look alot a like nd he wuz cool but worried bout fighting Voldy so i told him bout teh prophesy so then he wuz worried bout me._** Harry snorted. "As if." **_hermy still did nt like me nd tried 2 get ron back but who cares bout her?_** Hermione looked like she wanted to kill something. **_i took ron nd harry nd teh other boyz out clubbin at a kewl place i new nd we had fun ron started 2 reelly luv me but then teh deatheaters kidnaped ron during a hogsmead week end. i wuz with him in madem pudifuts…_** Harry rolled his eyes at the mention of the café. **_…nd he leaned closer nd i saw his lipz nd i close my eyez and leen in wen they attaked nd i tried 2 defend him but 1 hit me with a curse nd i fell._** Ron's face was bright red, but, to his credit, he kept reading steadily. **_When i woke up they tolled me ron wuz kidnaped voldy knew i luvved him nd teh prophesy wuz a bout me. so i followd. I tracked voldy down. he wuz herding…_** Ron stared at the page in confusion before realizing, "Oh. Hurting." **_…wuz herding ron so i junped in nd shot spels at voldy nd he shot spels at me. for a sec it looked like voldy mite win he hit me wit a bad spel but harry (he wuz there)…_** You only add this now?" Harry asked incredulously. **_…blokked it nd i closed my pretty green eyez nd summoned al my ener-G and said 'B gone now Evil 1' and voldy screamed and vanished in a puff of smok. 'Vanessa" ron asked i jus smiled nd sayed 'its over we 1 so we all celebrated…_** "Exactly like the last story," Remus commented. "Evidently the writers aren't very creative." **_…and ron and me had fun doing…_** "Ugh," Ron groaned. "Another long, horrible…scene." He shuddered, and started turning the pages, muttering to himself. "Chocolate sauce… pink handcuffs… what's the broom for? This is nasty!" The twins were doubled over, howling with laughter. Harry was just trying to avoid the bad mental images this was conjuring up. Ginny had a look on her face that suggested the first person to come near her brother with chocolate sauce was going to be very sorry indeed. And Hermione… She was a shade of red that would have made Uncle Vernon proud. She was glaring at the book so evilly it was a wonder the Thing didn't combust. And she was hissing between gritted teeth, "mine… stay away from him you whore…mine… I'll give you chocolate sauce…" Ron didn't know whether to laugh or cry. He was spared the choice by Tonks, who, grinning wickedly, handed the book to Fred and George, who abruptly stopped laughing and started looking rather frightened.

Ron grinned evilly. "Payback's a bitch."

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The Sue-nese had just returned from battling their sworn enemy, a group of opposing fangirls, the Canonites, to find the book missing. They immediately suspected sabotage. But, as one asked, "Where could the book be?"


	4. Twin Trouble

_**A/N:** Last update for a week or so, I'm going on vacation! So enjoy!_

_**A/N 2: **Tweaked very slightly and re-posted. Oh, and to answer a question about ships... yes, they'll be involved, but not as part of the main focus. I'm mostly sticking with canon pairings for this: Ron/Hermione, Harry/Ginny, Remus/Tonks, etc. The only slightly non-canocial pairing I'm using is Neville/Luna, and even that's not all that unbelievable. Why? Because I'm the omnipotent Authoress, and I say so! And because I'm fond of both of them and think they'd do well together..._

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Sirius was rather… well, not worried. Anxious might be overdoing it. Concerned. That worked. He was concerned. And he had good reason to be. He had been around the Weasleys long enough to know that when Fred and George were huddled in a corner, whispering to each other, they were usually plotting something, and that Something wasn't likely to be a Something he wanted to stick around for. A certain Prank War in Grimmauld Place, a few summers before, came readily to mind, involving the troll leg umbrella stand, several heavy Muggle textbooks, and a large amount of squid. Sirius winced slightly. The upstairs hallway still smelled odd.

"OK, that's five minutes to work out strategy, you two have to read now," Tonks announced. The twins had asked for a brief reprieve, which no one had seen any harm in granting. Now, though, Sirius was rather regretting giving it. The twins' faces bore identical expressions of angelic innocence, but Sirius knew that face well enough to see the glee under it. How many times had he given the 'Padfoot Eyes' (as James had called it) to a teacher after pulling a prank? Ron and Ginny didn't seem to see the warning signs; possibly they just didn't bother anymore. But Sirius had seen them, and he was heeding the warning.

"Sirius, where're you going?" Remus asked as the twins opened the book to their story. Sirius muttered something about feeding Buckbeak. Remus just shrugged and turned his attention back to the twins.

_**It was a brite and clear day,**_ they read in perfect unison. _**Fred nd George were in there 6**__**th**__** year at hogwarts wen teh twins came 2 scool. **_Oddly, the Weasley twins seemed to be reading it with as much emotion as they could, like a librarian reading to a bunch of small children._** Nd every1 new, teh prank warz had started. There were 2 twins. **_Even Remus snorted with laughter at this redundancy. _**There wuz Celeste who had brite blond hair nd blu eyez nd Maria who had black hair nd blu eyez both were pretty nd gorgeus nd lovely nd luvvly nd slim nd slender nd had curves in all teh write places…**_ "Again with that!" Harry complained, frustrated. "What is it with these ridiculous descriptions? All of them are exactly the same!" _**…nd gr8 legs nd fabulus clothes lo-cut genes **_(1)_** with rinestones nd tite pink tops that perfectly showd off there chests nd red hi-heal peep toe shoes nd gorgeus gold jewlry a gold neck lace each from there mum who died when they were kids. Both were in griffindoor of coarse they luvved 2 play pranks nd got on perfecktly wit fred nd George both teh 4 decided 2 hav a prank war. teh 1**__**st**__** 1 wuz at brakefast teh next morning. Evry1 wuz setting down 2 eat when teh male came there were 4 big packages 1 4 evry house table when they landed the packages bust open and started singin it's a small world afterall really loud nd no 1 could shut it off Celeste looked at Fred nd george 'nice' she said then left B4 they realized there hair wuz green.**_ Remus snorted slightly. The Marauders had pulled both of those in their first year, repeatedly, and he was sure the twins had done so too. Fred and George kept reading.

_**when Maria woke up teh next morning she had a bunch of jerbils in her bed butt they were cute so she conjered a cagé 4 them nd kept them Celeste woke up with a bunch a hamsters in her bed she kept them 2. **_Another old classic, Remus thought. _**teh weezly twins still had green hare nd all there cloths were pink, **__**celeste's shampoo had hunny in it fred's wand started whistling marias bookbag tried 2 eat her nd georges books were gone re-placed with witch weakly magazines. **_This writer really didn't have any original pranks.

_**things got werse snape's cauldron X-ploded in poshins **_"Serves him right," Ron muttered. _**but he could nt proove any thin so they got off but not B4 jixing teh black bored.**_

**_Then they went 2 charms class were georges chair started running a round nd maria's wand would nt work. transfigerashun wuz a mess. Blu wombats evry were. teh weak went on nd teh pranks grew worst teh slitherinns waked up 2 find tofee in there hare…_** Harry cracked up, remembering Draco Malfoy's sleek blond hair full of sticky toffee, when he had pulled that same prank. …**_nd teh skool black boreds started singin cristmas songz loud. nd celeste fell even moor in luv wit fred nd maria fell in luv with george but they where 2 shy 2 tell them so they never new fred nd george luvved them 2. eventally teh twin gurlz 1 teh prank war fred nd george just could nt cum up with such good ideaz as them…_** Anyone watching _veeeeeeeery_ closely could see George and Fred scowl slightly, but they kept reading steadily, still in perfect unison. …**_till george set off dung bombs durin break fast so teh gurlz re-taleated nd set off fire works durin class time. then some1 charmed teh toiletz 2 not flush then teh dorms got set on fire nd a anvil dropped on snapes head nd teh grate hall wuz filled wit hedge hogs 1 mornin but maria still could nt tell george she luvved him nd celeste could nt tell fred_**

**_then at quiditch 1 mornming they saw them alone…_** At this particular sentence, the perfect example of idiocy, Hermione couldn't help but roll her eyes. **_…nd wen they saw eachother they new they luvved eachother nd they spent the rest of teh day w/ eachother nd that nite they…_** Everyone expected Fred and George to stop, but to their horror, the twins kept going. **_…they had fun they went 2 teh room of require-ment nd got teh strawberries nd teh spark-lerz nd cream nd pink hand cuffs nd their where 2 beds all ready nd an vat of melty chocolate nd…_** by now everyone had their hands over their ears and was either screaming at the bad mental images or humming loudly, hoping to drown it out. **_…nd they all likked eachother so they kept swiching…_** By now it was apparent that George and Fred were not taking in a word of it, but merely reading aloud. A good strategy, really. **_…nd after they pulled teh twins outof teh choco late…_** Remus seemed shocked and horrified that his beloved, his joy, was being used in this way. **_…than teh makin out started…_** Ron's mouth was hanging open. **_…she kissed him all-over…_** "God, it never ends!" **_…she got out teh whipped cream nd wips…_** "End it now! Please, kill me now!" **_…nd then…_** By the end, everyone was lying on the floor, moaning as they tried to block out the images. The twins, who hadn't registered a word, were grinning evilly, mission accomplished. In the midst of this, Sirius poked his head in from the hall, where he had been hiding out.

"Is it over?"

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The loss of their great and holy Book hit all the Sue-nese writers hard, and they devoted the next several hours to tracking it down. One of them remembered hiding it in an unused cupboard for safekeeping…

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_**(1.) A/N: **__They mean low-cut jeans, but inadvertently make a remark about their inbred origins that speaks volumes. ;D_


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